All is Full of Love

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Re: All is Full of Love

Postby UnwashedMolasses » Wed Jan 20, 2016 5:45 pm

I don't think I'm a particularly jealous person so these feelings are unwanted and foreign.

I don't know if anybody is really a jealous person. From my experience jealousy manifests as a symptom, not a character trait. People usually become/are jealous due to something they perceive as being wrong or deficient with their relationship or themselves. I know I'm not breaking any new ground here, but I'd say don't worry about being jealous or focus on the jealousy as something to work on - think instead on what could be causing it. Once you identify and correct the problem the jealousy should dissipate naturally.

The other thing that worried me is this bit:

I just don't know how to calm my thoughts, relax, and enjoy my partner. :(

You shouldn't necessarily be stressing out, but don't try and force yourself to be happy. I don't know that you are, it just sounded like a possibility from the above. Fixing problems in a relationship becomes so so much more difficult if you don't allow yourself to acknowledge that they're there, and especially to feel why they're there. Emotions are much more trustworthy than logic or thought. Often they'll point you in a better direction than you can point yourself.
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Re: All is Full of Love

Postby Suquida » Wed Jan 20, 2016 7:38 pm

sparkyoriental wrote:I'm going to preface this post with - I've been posting too much, sorry. I love y'all and I'm happy to be active on c-t again!

I've been with my boyfriend for about 1.5 years now. Things are okay. They were better before, and over the past 3-4 months the relationship has been stale and full of bickering and fights. We agreed a week ago that we'd take things slow, and we'd both actively work on our individual issues that had infiltrated into our relationship and caused problems.

I'm working really hard on trying to be nicer to everyone around me, and to work on my patience and thoughtfulness. I often say things without thinking, and although I am rarely intentionally hurtful, lately I've been a jerk to the people I care about. So all this self improvement is happening. I'm meditating, trying to make new friends, exercising, and getting back into my hobbies.

The problem is, I am SO full of jealousy right now. I don't think I'm a particularly jealous person so these feelings are unwanted and foreign. My boyfriend has an (objectively) amazing ex-girlfriend who is also a coworker and now friend. I never particularly cared about her existence until recently. They see each other socially, talk, text, etc. None of this bothered me until our relationship started becoming rocky. Suddenly, I feel inferior to her. In my head, whenever he brings up some conversation they had at work or something random about her (this doesn't happen very often, once every 2 weeks max usually), I feel terrible. All the little insecurities I've worked on and now no longer think about have resurfaced and I find myself comparing myself with his ex-girlfriend on a regular basis. I keep thinking about how she's smarter, funnier, prettier, cooler, nicer, and a better person than I am. In a lot of ways, she is ____ than I am! Or this new, crazy jealous person that I am now thinks she is. I know that comparisons like that are useless and counterproductive, but I keep thinking about them.

I know I need to chill out. I know that this jealousy is an issue that I need to work on individually, and if I don't work on it, it's going to start to negatively affect my relationship. I just don't know how to calm my thoughts, relax, and enjoy my partner. :(

What molasses said is good and you should listen but I felt the need to chime in

You say his ex is "objectively" amazing but you and I both know this is bullshit, things like that are very rarely objective and there are plenty of people who wouldn't feel the same way about her as you do. You have qualities that she doesn't have, qualities that make you amazing to the right person, if she were "objectively" amazing he'd be with her and not you right? Clearly you've got qualities that she doesn't have and your boyfriend prefers your qualities over hers

Don't beat yourself up so much
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Re: All is Full of Love

Postby sid3000 » Sat Jan 23, 2016 6:56 pm

My relationship history has been a hot mess for the most part but as I move on from each one I always find a common thread that I should improve on, that is, expecting way too much out of that someone. I dont know why I tend to feel entitled to 100% from people that I start to invest myself in, and how awkward that becomes when youre not moving at the same pace. It's easy for me to forget that people have different growths and experiences that heavily influence the way they express their emotions and preferences and losing sight of that usually causes me to become bitter and resent that person for doing something "to me" or "treating me" in such and such way.

I'd like to think this is normal; I enjoy the opportunity of making mistakes and learning from them the first time, but this is a mistake I keep repeating. I have to work on zooming out more often when it gets to these points and reduce expectations for my acts both of interest and forgiveness.
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Re: All is Full of Love

Postby fechner » Wed Feb 10, 2016 4:38 am

Whoops oversharing :oops:
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Last edited by fechner on Thu Feb 11, 2016 1:11 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: All is Full of Love

Postby bels » Wed Feb 10, 2016 5:01 am

Don't stay together because you're afraid.
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Re: All is Full of Love

Postby fechner » Wed Feb 10, 2016 7:31 pm

Whoops more oversharing :oops:
(Things turned out alright)
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Re: All is Full of Love

Postby radicalbusiness » Thu Feb 11, 2016 1:26 am

whatsup c-t. I know I don't talk to y'all much but I have a lot of love for this community even as (usually) a bystander. So I may as well throw some of my thoughts and questions out there.

I'm young, 19, and naturally still have a lot of areas in my life that I feel I need to develop. I can be a super bad communicator, I have a hard time understanding exactly what my intentions are, lack of organization in general etc... I feel like because I see myself in this way I am psyching myself out from pursuing relationships with people.

Last year this amazing girl gave me her number, and I know she's still around here after traveling in Spain but I let the offer expire by never contacting her. Over the last year I feel like that type of interaction has been repeated several time's to different degrees, where I blow it when someone expresses interest in me.

The thing is, I know there are qualities in me that I really respect and love, and I have faith that others can see those in me too. But I can't help but feel I'm straight up not ready to get involved with someone because it'll just end up as a mess like other relationships in the past have turned out.

What I feel like I'm battling with is the choice to grow "trial-by-fire" or to just spend more time alone pursuing my own endeavors and enter that realm when I really feel ready.
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Re: All is Full of Love

Postby harmsalmon » Wed Mar 02, 2016 9:43 pm

love and sex are too complicated and impossible and I thought I had something good with someone who excites me more than almost anyone ever but it turns out it is nothing and now i am somehow in a place that was worse than when i started and i think that nothing i want will ever work out for me and side note mental illness is terrible to work with in any form of relationship.

welcome to college i guess!!!!!

this feels stupid to post but evidently i just need to vent somehow
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Re: All is Full of Love

Postby julius » Thu Mar 03, 2016 12:53 am

I've been feeling pretty confused for a while about all my feels so this is me venting

I don't really know what I expect from people anymore so I don't think I really know what I want from anyone. When I was really interested in a relationship I'd kinda build people up in my head and when I was with them have a good time, but because of that building up there'd always be something off. I figured I was asking a lot from someone with that expectation. Like, people are only who they are from their experiences blah blah, if someone was organized than I think something must've happened to them, conscious or not, that encouraged them to be like that. And asking someone to go through something seemed more demanding than asking for someone to be something. So it made people more interesting, and myself more empathetic, but it also made me pretty neutral about everyone. Which is nice since I don't expect as much from people so if something goes well it goes really well to me, but when talking to people I feel so much less fiery and passionate, which is kind of whatever but I miss the intensity I used to have with particular people. It really made me question why I feel something about someone, and while it's nice to figure things like this out it's also pretty disenchanting. and if I do meet someone whose nice enough than it's sorta me building up how I finally met someone and than I'm where I was left off.

I think what I want is someone to talk to about all this stuff but my feelings about it are a kind of intense confusion and while I try to make it approachable if something relatable is brought up or if I spent the day thinking more about it and someone asks what I've been wondering about, I don't really get much reciprocation. I don't really know beyond that but yeah,I dig what I'm doing in school so I'm findin other ways to liveee and feel loveee

And while that's been happening, a few people have told me they had feelings for me, and each time I had no idea, and they'd mention times they thought it was obvious but I thought it was just us hangingout. The most recent person told me how they talked to other people about it and how those people said they shouldn't expect anything since I'm super ignorant about that stuff and how I may have become asexual. I thought it was pretty, genuinely, funny since I can see their perspective, but it's also pretty disheartening since that's what people are told when they say they have feelings for me

I think what I have to do is become okay with some disappointments to see where they can lead, but yeah. Looking through this thread I feel less alone about these feelings so yeah, thanks c-t
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Re: All is Full of Love

Postby CheerUpBrokeBoy » Sun Apr 03, 2016 3:38 am

getting serious with this girl is making it really hard to be cool and ironic all the time
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Re: All is Full of Love

Postby Stolsdos » Wed Apr 06, 2016 1:23 am

Looks like I might be going on a date with a girl from Tinder this weekend. Hopefully it goes well. My previous girlfriend and I fell apart after we(at least I did) realized we did not have much in common besides a mediocre sex drive. I think I just need to make sure I take her and myself seriously AND trust my friends' judgement(to some extent).
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Re: All is Full of Love

Postby popcorn » Fri Apr 08, 2016 2:45 am

we watched a holocaust movie last thursday night, held hands, listened to wilco, got food at 2 AM, and the fact that i am moving 709.2 miles away in 4 months is suddenly not as fun
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