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Re: sex

Postby ramdomthought » Fri Nov 22, 2013 3:30 am

obv we need to go hangout with you me and pete and makeout with each other in front of him
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Re: sex

Postby YoungCanoeist » Fri Nov 22, 2013 4:00 am

real discussion though (still drunk af):

i'm just generally sexually frustrated.

a few days ago a girl told me that her roommate says that i'm very attractive. surprisingly, this meant a lot to me. i've rarely been considered a romantic or sexual interest before. i could count the number of times on one hand.

when i meet a new girl, i feel like i'm instantly categorized as a friend and not a potential romantic or sexual partner. i don't want to use the term 'friend-zoned' because i actually don't think that's an accurate representation of my situation at all. i see potential with several girls and i'm not afraid to ask them out, and i don't feel like girls owe me anything because i'm nice to them.

and i don't have any problems being friends with girls. there are a lot of unpleasant guys on my floor here, and i've connected very well with a lot of girls on the other side. i'd say 80% or more of my friends here at college are girls, and i really love them and truly appreciate them.

i'm just interested in what differentiates me from other guys in terms of being a sexual interest versus a platonic one. i'm pretty uncomfortable with pursuing girls for physical reasons (i feel the need to be emotionally connected first, which isn't a bad thing), so i definitely give a more friendly jizz than a potential sexual partner one.

there's another dude here who is a tutor and every girl loves him and they talk about how attractive he is, how they want to be with him in whatever way. they say it's because of how he acts. he has to be v professional with them (i.e. not flirty) because he's a tutor. me and him act similarly, yet he attracts so many girls. i think it's because he's 2 years older.

i don't know. this isn't a huge problem in my life, i'm happy. at the same time, i am a human being and i have sexual interests. having never dated anyone nor kissed anyone, nor held anyone's hand, they haven't been fulfilled. kinda frustrating. we'll see what the future brings.

i had a more eloquent and accurate post typed out but my computer died but i lost it. basically i'm frustrated bc it seems that i'm inherently not a sexual interest for girls. and that's always an obstacle. it has to do with my parents and upbringing and sex being totally taboo, but i feel like there's something else. i don't know. haha!
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Re: sex

Postby YoungCanoeist » Fri Nov 22, 2013 4:01 am

DAMN JUST NOTICED HOW LONG THAT WAS SORRY GUYS
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Re: sex

Postby can- » Fri Nov 22, 2013 7:13 am

I guarantee plenty of girls are into you. I'd bet money they have no idea you're attracted to them either
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Re: sex

Postby YoungCanoeist » Fri Nov 22, 2013 10:25 am

Lol. Thanks man, I appreciate it.
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Re: sex

Postby RycePooding » Fri Nov 22, 2013 12:05 pm

You are beautiful.
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Re: sex

Postby Catfush » Fri Nov 22, 2013 12:44 pm

eccentrica wrote: stuff


So I've been lurking for a while but I had to register to give my insight on this topic. I am pretty much in the exact same boat as you in terms of romantic interaction with girls. I think, for me, the lack of reinforcement from girls slowly brought me to a state of mind in which I felt that I was unattractive or unlovable. I was still able to live a happy existence but I just kind of passively accepted that I would be alone until I stumbled upon a girl that would finally give me that reinforcement.

However, this semester I took a personal growth class and I began to realize that I was constructing all of these faulty views and that they weren't true in the slightest. So I began actively working on tackling these faulty thoughts and replacing them with positivity. Also, I was never a really confident person but I began trying to, "fake it until I made it," with no real expectations and it totally worked. People began complimenting me on my great conversation skills and my intelligence, simply because I was acting confident. But eventually I didn't have to act anymore, people were reinforcing me and I realized that my lack of confidence was just a construct of my mind. This eventually led to me asking out a girl that I found very attractive, one who I wouldn't have even believed would find me attractive a few months ago, and she accepted.

I don't know how much you and I truly parallel, as I don't know you. But from the little snippet you gave, I feel like we are pretty similar. So don't be fall into the line of thought that girls don't find you sexually attractive, because I would almost guarantee they do. You just have to be constantly putting yourself out there and reminding yourself that you are a beautiful human being with a lot to offer. I wish you the best of luck.
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Re: sex

Postby bels » Fri Nov 22, 2013 1:18 pm

Strong first post
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Re: sex

Postby ramseames » Fri Nov 22, 2013 1:59 pm

eccentrica wrote:
a few days ago a girl told me that her roommate says that i'm very attractive.

i see potential with several girls and i'm not afraid to ask them out, and i don't feel like girls owe me anything because i'm nice to them.

i'm just interested in what differentiates me from other guys in terms of being a sexual interest versus a platonic one. i'm pretty uncomfortable with pursuing girls for physical reasons (i feel the need to be emotionally connected first, which isn't a bad thing), so i definitely give a more friendly jizz than a potential sexual partner one.

there's another dude here who is a tutor and every girl loves him and they talk about how attractive he is, how they want to be with him in whatever way. they say it's because of how he acts. he has to be v professional with them (i.e. not flirty) because he's a tutor. me and him act similarly, yet he attracts so many girls. i think it's because he's 2 years older.



even if you don't know her, assuming you find her attractive and she's not totally vapid, ask that roommate's friend out asap.

you say you're not afraid and I believe you but are you actually doing it(and relatively quickly)? If you're friends with someone for a few months before you make that sort of move you're already in a pretty solid platonic relationship, its really hard to transition that into something romantic. asking potentially interesting people out fast>waiting to get to know them first.

if you're not interested in something exclusively physical you're probably projecting that jizz but then if you're not asking them out you're not giving them anything romantic either so its not surprising that they view you as friends

95% chance they're into the tutoring dude because he's older/hot/they can't have him. this is just human nature.
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Re: sex

Postby YoungCanoeist » Fri Nov 22, 2013 4:23 pm

Catfush, cameron, RycePooding, ramseames, ramdom, thank you all for your advice and words. I really appreciate it. I love that we have a place like this where we can talk candidly about really anything.

Catfush, I relate to your first paragraph so much, damn. The other parts sound like CBT, which I've done a bit. After telling this stuff and some other stuff to my friend, she suggested that I might have sexual guilt issues. So I applied the examination techniques to the label "I have sexual guilt" and found that it was constructed. That was really freeing. I get what you're saying and I'll both investigate the labels and maybe put myself out there a little more.

ramseames, very insightful about how the girls don't think I'm interested. I'd never really considered it from their side, thank you. Also, this sort of belongs in the relationship thread but I really don't know what I'm looking for. I see the validity and value of what you're saying, especially about taking chances/opportunities and asking people out. for a while I've held the view that I wouldn't actively seek the relationship status/label but instead simply allow things to arise with people and follow that. So asking people out right away feels like I'm forcing it, and even feels a little aggressive. There's validity to both views though. I think in my case, my view is a little half-baked, but the underlying principle is good and reasonable. I'll try what you said though, it's certainly worth a shot!

With that particular girl, we've hung out a few times (alone too) and have a lot of similar interests etc. but so far we haven't really connected on a level more than friendship. This is of course not definitive and subject to change though. I just don't have much interest in her as of now. She's generally very quiet and it even makes me uncomfortable sometimes haha!
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Re: sex

Postby ramseames » Fri Nov 22, 2013 4:54 pm

eccentrica wrote:
ramseames, very insightful about how the girls don't think I'm interested. I'd never really considered it from their side, thank you. Also, this sort of belongs in the relationship thread but I really don't know what I'm looking for. I see the validity and value of what you're saying, especially about taking chances/opportunities and asking people out. for a while I've held the view that I wouldn't actively seek the relationship status/label but instead simply allow things to arise with people and follow that. So asking people out right away feels like I'm forcing it, and even feels a little aggressive. There's validity to both views though. I think in my case, my view is a little half-baked, but the underlying principle is good and reasonable. I'll try what you said though, it's certainly worth a shot!

With that particular girl, we've hung out a few times (alone too) and have a lot of similar interests etc. but so far we haven't really connected on a level more than friendship. This is of course not definitive and subject to change though. I just don't have much interest in her as of now. She's generally very quiet and it even makes me uncomfortable sometimes haha!


I think you're overvaluing what asking someone out means a little bit. A date is just a date, you can go out with someone a couple times and have fun but not see it going anywhere and just end up friends, and I think generally the less serious you view first dates the better they go anyway. Asking someone out might seem aggressive but that isn't necessarily a bad thing.

If you were feeling that girl I'd tell you to kiss her asap because she's clearly feeling you and leaving it too long could make her think you aren't interested. But you sound like you aren't so ignore that.
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Re: sex

Postby Catfush » Fri Nov 22, 2013 5:33 pm

eccentrica wrote: More stuff


Wow, I think you're my emotional doppelganger. I completely understand where you're coming from in regards to asking girls out from the get-go as I take a very similar view in regards to the emotional aspects of relationships. I know for me, it was completely uncomfortable and it almost felt like I was coming off like some kind of creepy, sex-driven guy that wanted nothing more than to take advantage of whomever I was asking out. So I would wait it out and tell myself that I would build a relationship with the person first so my intentions were clear. Of course, this never worked out. The relationship either became platonic because they didn't think I was interested, or they just didn't want anything more to do with me (One girl even thought I was gay). I had to realize that my every day actions: the way I carry myself, the way I act, the way I speak, and perhaps to a lesser extent, the way I dress, were all exhibiting my intentions before I even had direct contact with a girl.

It was incredibly difficult, and I still kind of struggle with it, but I had to come to the conclusion that it is unlikely that I will come off as pushy or manipulative to girls because I'm truly not like that; and because I'm an authentic, open person, people will be able to see this without me having to explain. Along with this, I also realized that people saw me in a much better light than I saw myself, and I think that was also a huge reinforcement when it came to this issue.

Your reasoning could be totally different than mine, but I think my experiences may still apply. If you are truly a well-meaning person, which I think you are, people will see that and I think they'll have a certain level of comfort with you right off the bat.

Sorry my posts have been so long, but this is kind of exciting for me because I just went through this exact journey a couple of months ago and the feeling of comfort and confidence I now have is something that I want to share with anyone experiencing what I went through. You'll get it figured out though, I'm sure of it.
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Re: sex

Postby SisterRayVU » Fri Nov 22, 2013 8:01 pm

eccentrica wrote:real discussion though (still drunk af):

i'm just generally sexually frustrated.



THANKS OBAMA!

a few days ago a girl told me that her roommate says that i'm very attractive. surprisingly, this meant a lot to me. i've rarely been considered a romantic or sexual interest before. i could count the number of times on one hand.


Remember this feeling and run with it. I never thought I was particularly attractive and I still don't, but girls have been interested in me or found me passably good-looking enough so it helps to know for a fact that some girl thinks that. Depending on the context of her saying that, she may even like you!

when i meet a new girl, i feel like i'm instantly categorized as a friend and not a potential romantic or sexual partner. i don't want to use the term 'friend-zoned' because i actually don't think that's an accurate representation of my situation at all. i see potential with several girls and i'm not afraid to ask them out, and i don't feel like girls owe me anything because i'm nice to them.

and i don't have any problems being friends with girls. there are a lot of unpleasant guys on my floor here, and i've connected very well with a lot of girls on the other side. i'd say 80% or more of my friends here at college are girls, and i really love them and truly appreciate them.

i'm just interested in what differentiates me from other guys in terms of being a sexual interest versus a platonic one. i'm pretty uncomfortable with pursuing girls for physical reasons (i feel the need to be emotionally connected first, which isn't a bad thing), so i definitely give a more friendly jizz than a potential sexual partner one.

there's another dude here who is a tutor and every girl loves him and they talk about how attractive he is, how they want to be with him in whatever way. they say it's because of how he acts. he has to be v professional with them (i.e. not flirty) because he's a tutor. me and him act similarly, yet he attracts so many girls. i think it's because he's 2 years older.


That he's older is definitely it. I hesitate to say this since it's very bro-y but. . . girls tend to be attracted to power. And not just girls, guys are too. I find career-minded, intelligent girls that much hotter for it. Some girls, especially when they're young in college, will see seniors and recent grads as powerful by proxy of their age. The fact that he's a TA or a tutor only reinforces that. This sort of changes as people get older and age alone won't suffice, but this is a very real thing. Those girls are probably not girls you should pursue since they are interested in other stuff right now. nbd.

But how do you get girls interested in you as 'more' than just a 'friend'? I dunno, man. This also sounds shitty but when you meet new girls, assume they want to fuck. This doesn't preclude you from wanting to connect to them as people first but it will color your approach to them in a way that leaves other doors open. If you think they want to bang, you won't tiptoe around your attraction. That doesn't mean lay it on thick but it means don't hide it. Girls can tell when guys like them (guys can tell when girls like them also but for some of us more awkward people, outside of really obvious 'hey, i like you' type shit, we're less receptive because we didn't think about this until later). They had to deal with this shit since they were in middle school. That said, girls won't really act out first in any overt way. They may be sending you signals that you just don't know how to pick up on. Either way, you really just need to be like, 'Oh hey, do you have any plans for this weekend? Let's grab a beer and watch x' or something like that. Don't even worry about the specifics now. If you say stuff like that, it'll be a strong enough signal to them that you're interested. But you want to put the ball in their court so that way you don't have to worry anymore. This also let's you hang out with them and shit.

Really though, just fake it til you make it. You see a girl you're interested in? Assume she wants to bone. Have you had a conversation with her? Ask her to hang out. Rinse. Repeat. It's a pretty simple process. I know it's hard to do and I have so many problems with all of it after the first step of seeing a girl I'm interested in, but it gets easier.

Also download tinder because you'll know off the bat that they're into you.
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Re: sex

Postby YoungCanoeist » Sat Nov 23, 2013 3:29 pm

Catfush,

That's pretty much exactly how I feel, and pretty much exactly my situation.

Your insight is really helpful actually. Whenever it comes up, I always have found that people have a much better view of me than I do of myself. People see me as very kind, confident, etc. even though I don't necessarily always think that. I hadn't ever considered that the same might be true with girls.

THANK YOU!
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Re: sex

Postby YoungCanoeist » Sat Nov 23, 2013 3:31 pm

SisterRayVU,

This is really, really great advice. I'm going to try all of it! It'll be an interesting process for me in terms of stepping around the border of laying it on too thick and just enough. It'll all be in good fun though. Thank you!!!
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Re: sex

Postby SisterRayVU » Sat Nov 23, 2013 3:34 pm

Just don't be like 'lol wanna fuck' unless you're both super drunk in which case I guess anything goes. It's not even laying it on thick, it's just expressing a modicum of interest and going into it with the idea that 'ofc she likes me!' and then you won't feel nervous or apprehensive about behaving as if he does and asking her to chill!

keep us updated!!!
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Re: sex

Postby YoungCanoeist » Sat Nov 23, 2013 3:41 pm

Yeah, I gotcha. Last couple weeks I was planning on asking out a friend of mine and there was something where I had a norse projects floral hat on and she said that I had a good visual aesthetic (LOL) and I said we should go to the art museum together. It was actually pretty smooth if you ask me. But then a wrench was thrown into the equation that weekend, because her dog died. She didn't really wanna do anything with anyone for a while, and of course my priority shifted from being with her to making sure she was alright. Her dog was really special to her. We'll see if anything happens there in the future because there are a few other obstacles, but she's really great and we have a great connection. I'll keep you guys updated though!
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Re: sex

Postby YoungCanoeist » Sat Nov 23, 2013 3:44 pm

Anyone have experiences with Tinder? Funny/ridiculous? Great? I curious enough to try it but I'm also terrified.
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Re: sex

Postby purkinje » Sat Nov 23, 2013 3:56 pm

I just started using Tinder but I'm not really sure what its purpose is. Met some interesting people though.
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Re: sex

Postby ramseames » Sat Nov 23, 2013 4:00 pm

Calc wrote:I just started using Tinder but I'm not really sure what its purpose is. Met some interesting people though.


you skip all the BS. means everyone you talk to thought you were hot, which is what you want.
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Re: sex

Postby SteevMike » Sat Nov 23, 2013 6:23 pm

100% of the people i've matched with on tinder are either:
1) people i had previously talked to on some other dating site and the conversation went nowhere; or
2) drunk
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Re: sex

Postby SisterRayVU » Sat Nov 23, 2013 7:58 pm

I've matched with a lot of people on tinder. It usually goes fine but I'm at a point with school where I don't really have the free time to meet up for drinks or whatever, so I'll probably delete and restart my profile come January. I'm meeting up with my third tinder person today and it goes well enough. Had to sort of lose touch with people I was significantly more interested in both personality and looks just because of timing, but whatever. It's fun. Go for it. I haven't had drunk tinder people yet.
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Re: sex

Postby SisterRayVU » Sun Nov 24, 2013 1:40 am

Well, just had a tinder date and I think I need to cool it on tinder, or be more cautious in weeding out crazy people.
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Re: sex

Postby UnwashedMolasses » Sun Nov 24, 2013 1:46 am

Storytime! What's the scoop?
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Re: sex

Postby SisterRayVU » Sun Nov 24, 2013 2:21 am

Eh, tinder date. Talked to her for like a week through text and snapchat, hung out, was going well. Said she doesn't hook up with random dudes often if ever really but was giving off a jizz of being into me. Went to a couple bars, came back to my place, made it clear that this was nothing for real and that we could hang out again after she comes back from her trip (leaving next week) but that this isn't anything serious, etc. Typing this out makes me seem like a dick but I really was very clear from the beginning that this wasn't anything where she could stay over, that I need to go to school later (or hang out w/ bros, still dk what I'm gonna do), and that she has a party she can go to anyway. So it's time to go and she keeps saying she wants to stay a little longer and at this point I feel pretty bad and just tell her we can hang later in the week or in January when she gets back (and I really would be down to just hang and grab a bite but nothing else) but she keeps resisting until I just sort of say 'Look, we talked about this. I need to do some work. Let's hang when you get back etc.' and just sort of had to physically move her until she was getting dressed and leaving. Not really my proudest moment but at the same time I specifically set this stuff out as soon as anything's going to go down so that I can at least mitigate any feeling of guilt. There's one girl at school that I sort of have an inconsistent thing with and I'm even clearer with her that I want no semblance of a relationship and she's cool-ish with it so I know I'm not being vague or saying 'no this isn't serious but also I really like you'.

Also, it's not like we're 18 or whatever.

So just sort of feeling like I should have been able to tell this was probably going to happen with this girl, feeling like I shouldn't have done anything, and just kind of bad in general. I'm just going to exercise greater discretion in seeking out cooler people maybe? This makes it sound like I just want to run through people and that's not the case, I just don't want to be in any sort of relationship with a girl I'm not really into. There have been some girls I've been interested in who I would gladly date and take it slow with because they seem to be awesome and somewhat compatible.

Also, I think she used my toothbrush and it's fucking 18 degrees outside and I don't want to walk to Walgreens to buy a new one. Fuck.
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Re: sex

Postby deadkitty » Sun Nov 24, 2013 5:02 am

how do you even start a decent conversation with someone on tinder? I find it really hard when I know next to nothing about the person
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Re: sex

Postby can- » Sun Nov 24, 2013 5:08 am

boil your toothbrush
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Re: sex

Postby sid3000 » Sun Nov 24, 2013 6:47 am

I would be highly more entertained from this thread if there was less emotion more sex and also in the form of yelp reviews.
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Re: sex

Postby SisterRayVU » Sat Nov 30, 2013 2:21 am

She's putting off leaving the country. She wants to hang out this weekend. I'm going to try to just get a burger and then dip immediately after. We're not even dating, I shouldn't have to 'break up'. I've also never broken up with someone before. She also told me how many people she's kissed and that she's a virgin and I should have known something was up at the beginning and now I'm kicking myself. Fuck you tinder.
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Re: sex

Postby SisterRayVU » Sat Nov 30, 2013 3:55 am

I feel really bad too. I'm going to have dinner with her on Sunday and hopefully keep it brief and try to figure it out from there. I don't want to be 'firm' and 'clear' because that's just unnecessary, but I also don't want to leave dangling hope and shit and I feel like a dick because whenever someone touches you or something, you're very much opening up a part of yourself and it's delicate and privileged and I don't want her to feel like she 'acted too soon' or be turned off from the idea of doing whatever feels right. At the same time, she's 24 and almost 25 and I feel like this type of behavior is sort of immature. I'd be okay getting food with her once in a while or hanging out just because she's not a bad person and it's always nice to have friends, but I also feel like that would probably be bad.

But yeah, I don't know how I don't come off like a bad guy in this situation and that sucks. But not because I want to not be the shithead because that's whatever and clearly I care less, but I just don't like making other people feel bad. At the same time, it's not like we spent more than three or four together total. So I don't know. It means very little to me but seems to mean a lot more to her and it just sort of sucks.
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