Aeroplane Food

[bels]

Post your ideas for stand up "bits" here.

[bels]

You know if you build something from Ikea and there are some parts left over. If that ever happens to you, at Ikea HQ they turn over an hourglass, and when the last grain of sand flows through it, you die.

[bels]

Whenever I get a new hairdresser, I always ask them what it is about cutting hair that they enjoy. What drew them to the profession. And they all say the same thing: They all say they love it when someone comes in with an idea about how they want their hair cut, and they just fucking ignore it.

[bels]

Anybody noticed that the closer you get to london, the more real life resembles the internet? Like people wear internet clothes, go to internet places, you start seeing celebrities that you've only ever seen on the internet. It's really strange. And the reverse is true of course. The further away you go from london, the less real life resembles the internet. Until if you get past Milton Keynes, you have to actually say to people things like "Have you heard of tumblr?" "Do you know what a Jarvis is?"

[bels]

I met this girl called Esther at the weekend, at the club, so I was talking to her, and then he friend came over and started chatting and it turned out she was called Esther as well. So I'm talking to Esther 1 and Esther 2 and then this other girl, that none of us knew came over and started complimenting Esther 1's bag. But they're all standing around me and suddenly it was like there was no air in the room, I kept taking these huge breaths but it was like I was drowning and I started sweating like crazy. I felt super clammy. I thought I was going to die.

But it just turns out that polyester doesn't breathe.

[bels]

…there is an idea of a Bela Bartok, some kind of abstraction, but there is no real me, only an entity, something illusory, and though I can rep your comment and you can see my fit and read the brand list and maybe you can even recognise some of the items themselves: I simply am not there. It is hard for me to make sense on any given level. My comments are fabricated, aberrations. I am a noncontingent care tagger. My look is sketchy and unformed, my need to cop goes deep and is persistent. My coherence, my direction, my mood board disappeared a long time ago (probably at work) if they ever did exist. There are no more grails to obtain. All I have in common with the redditors and /fa/, the igents and the Jarvis teens, all the clothing I have bought and my utter indifference toward it, I have now surpassed. I still, though, hold on to one single bleak truth: no wardrobe is complete, nothing can be improved. Yet I am blameless. Each model of human consumption must be assumed to have some validity. Is clothing something you wear? Or is it something you buy? My need to cop is constant and sharp and I do not hope for a better aesthetic for anyone. In fact, I want my pain to be inflicted on others. I want no one to escape. But even after admitting this—and I have countless times, in just about every no cop I’ve broken—and coming face-to-face with these truths, there is no catharsis. I gain no deeper knowledge about myself, no new understanding can be extracted from my purchases. There has been no reason for me to buy any of this. This collection has meant nothing….”

[bels]

What do you call a female fashion designer who can rotate her head 280 degrees and is "inspired by authenticity" ?

Spoiler:

Margaret Owl

[bels]

I really like some of the stuff Chitose Abe has been doing lately.

Spoiler:

Just kidding, I was being sacai-stic

[bels]

You guys like Klean Kanteens? Yeah? Yeah I bet you do. That guy over there in the big jumper I KNOW he does. What's the deal with Klean Kanteens though anyway? I feel like if you see someone take a flask out of a backpack, people think "Wow that guy is cheap, he won't even buy bottled water."

But if you take KLEAN KANTEEN out of a TOTE BAG, people are like "OMG that guy is RICH. He spent THIRTY POUNDS on a BOTTLE instead of just buying bottled water?"

It only works if you have a tote bag though, it's true, it's true I know! Right?

[bels]

We got any millenials in the house tonight?

*scattered cheering*

A few, a few, I expected more but maybe they didn't hear the question because they're on their phones right now. They're probably live tweeting this or something. They're probably trying to work out which is the best 4 seconds of the show so they can gif it. Right? I'm kidding, I mean I'm serious but it's from a place of love, you know? I mean I'm a millenial, technically. I was born in '86 so I'm pretty vanguard millenial. i wish I was born a bit earlier though. Like I was so nearly a Gen Xer. I wish I was a Gen Xer. Generation X was so cool. I mean the name is a lot cooler. It sounds like a punk band, whereas millenial sounds like a really weak space romance for fourteen year olds.

But I mean the coolest thing about being in Generation X was that like, it was so easy to get a fucking job you enjoy that it was considered cool to drop out and work in a coffee shop. Gen Xers were like "Yeah I'm working at this coffee shop to give my sculpture career some time to take off". But millenials are like "You got a job in a coffee shop? Holy shit are they hiring?"

Ah I mean there's some perks to being a millenial though, don't get me wrong there are some perks. Like aside from being able to blame all our problems on our parents, there are other perks. Like when you're a millenial, there is always a space you can go to where people will say that you're right. Like no matter what you're into. Are you into raw food veganism? Tote bags? Brunch? Yoga? Of course you are, you're a fucking millenial, right?

No but I mean whatever you're into or whatever you believe, if anyone says that those things are lame and hurts your feelings, you can just go to your tumblr community or your twitter space or medium.com and find a bunch of people who agree with you, right? It's awesome. I never need to examine my views because no matter what they are there is always a safe space of people who will tell me I'm right! I love it. I love it nearly as much as I love avocados and exposed brickwork. Right? Fucking millenials...

[bels]

I've been hearing a lot of stuff about Supreme lately. You guys like Supreme? Yeah? A thirteen year old told me that Supreme is dead because only eleven year olds wear it now.