All is Full of Love

[hooplah]

relationship & dating thread

are you single? are you taken? are you polyamorous? are you heartbroken? are you smitten? have you sent too many texts? have you not sent enough? are you lonely? do you need space? are you a commitment phobe? do you like the chase? are you a hopeless romantic? do you always fall for the wrong ones? do you get drunk goggles? have you had a one night stand? have you had really awful sex? do you use tinder? do you use grindr? tell me more tell me more did you get very far? tell me more tell me more like does he have a car?

[UnwashedMolasses]

I've still never actually watched Grease through.

Been in a relationship with the same lady for more than 4 years, most of which were long-distance (Miami, Florida to Rome, Georgia). If anyone's going through or considering something similar, I can try and help. Thankfully we're closer now.

Also, has anyone come out to their partner before? It sorta freaked my lady out when I told her I was bi, and she's still a bit worried that my dicklust will one day grow enough for me to rethink the relationship.

[Stingray Sam]

a girl i was dating for a little bit texted me recently asking if we could still be friends. I had a nice conversation with her for a bit in between classes today

[smiles]

My girlfriend and I have been having trouble and I don't know what to do. Essentially the problem is that she thinks that I am not making enough effort to be interested in Chinese culture. She is pretty westernized having lived in Switzerland and the US so most of the stuff we do and talk about is kind of American. I readily admit that I have trouble with Chinese stuff because of the language and just not getting the jokes or what have you. I want to make and effort but I'm having a problem with motivation even though I know it would make her happy. Can't help but feel that she wants someone more in tune with Chinese culture. Intercultural relationships are hard.

Also, I haven't told her my first kiss was with a man. Don't know how that would go over.

[can-]

it's hard to be in a situation like that (sounds similar to teck's problem with his clothing) where you don't feel like the conflict has much to do with you. you can't pander to it because it's not your tab to pick up, but ignoring it only makes things worse.

next time you guys argue about it, change the subject and tell her you kiss men. this will teach her not to bring it up.

[Rosenrot]

Smiles, as an azn ingrained in Western culture dating an Englishman, I can tell you that food is the easiest gateway to azn culture. Do you like to watch movies? Watch some silly wushu ones, anything with Wong Fei Hung/Jet Li in it. Stephen Chow is the HK Rob Schneider who makes mindless funny movies that may provide you with an insight into the Chinese culture/environment.

[Rosenrot]

it's hard to be in a situation like that (sounds similar to teck's problem with his clothing) where you you don't feel like the conflict has much to do with you. you can't pander to it because it's not your tab to pick up, but ignoring it only makes things worse.

next time you guys argue about it, change the subject and tell her you kiss men. that will show her

I think if your partner cares enough to learn about your culture, it's only fair to do the same thing in return. Or you might come across as the ignorant white dude who doesn't care about anything beyond your immediate surrounding.

[smiles]

It has to do with me in thatI'm not living up to my end of the cultural balencing act. It would be different if we were living In mainland I think. I like chinese food and some bands and I've seen a good amount of movies but that stuff is pretty Chinese superficial. She has been upset about stuff that I haven't done that a Chinese guy would do. I don't want to paint her in a Bad light because she's really great. But there seems to be some kind of fundamental gulf. I don't know how 'Chinese' she wants me to be. It wouldnt feel genuine if I'm not really into it.

Rose, I've made an effort to learn but she feels it's not enough and I don't disagree. Language is a bit of a cop out excuse. Its not only language though, its the cultural references. its better than the fetishized idea of submissive chinese girls that some guys definitely have. I guess it's hard because she acts much differently than other mainland Chinese girls I know.

Fundamentally it's my personal failing though.

Edit. We are both in a foreign environment and I guess it has lead her to reevaluate her sense of chineseness and also how that affects our relationship.

[ramseames]

Also, I haven't told her my first kiss was with a man. Don't know how that would go over.

Do you think it would legitimately bother her or would she just be surprised to hear it?

[smiles]

I don't know if it would bother her. Before she went to America she seemed a little uncomfortable with gay people. Which is not suprising considering the attitude in mainland China. Not that she was homophobic or anything more just lack of exposure. I think it might more have to do with the more personal connection.

[Rosenrot]

Hmm I can see where the problem lies. I don't know what Chinese guys, particularly those born in an Asian society, would do in the relationship to be honest (mostly because I never get along with them). Wouldn't cultural references sink in over time? I tend to think it's just a matter of immersing oneself as much as possible in the local community.

[smiles]

Another issue is that hk honestly isn't that Chinese . It's easy to go around pretending you are in London or something. Not that I do that. So it's not quite Chinese cultural immersion.

She wants me to act Chinese in some ways and not in others.

[starfox64]

She wants me to act Chinese in some ways and not in others.

This sounds really difficult to parse

[Rosenrot]

Most Chinese raised in Confucian societies tend to align themselves with Confucian values, regardless of how modern and how far away from China the city is, eg. Singapore and HK. Might want to look into that to get a broader view of what being a Chinese mean? There's no easy way to go about learning the savoir faire of the Orient.

[smiles]

Yeah that is the kind of stuff I'm referring to. She feels pretty pressured to return to China after her education is completed. And I also get the sense that she wants me to take charge in the relationship in a way I'm not entirely comfortable with from my upbringing.

[charybdis]

smiles have you met her family? I wonder if that might be why she's concerned.

I second rosie on the food bit though.

[smiles]

yeah i met them last summer. They were quite welcoming, though i don't how they truly feel of course.

sorry for railroading this thread. its just quite on my mind as this issue is really coming to a head at the moment.

[charybdis]

I think this is the point of this thread though, right?

Um, how Chinese does she want you to be? Like, does she want you to start washing with a jiao peng or something like that? I mean, for some reason this reminds me of that character from Chunking Express who always wore this really fake looking blonde wig because her white boyfriend made her.

[smiles]

more like how i act towards her. and also a better understanding of the culture. lol I dont think she will start making me do something like that :p

[Rosenrot]

I don't know how relevant this will be to you, but Hofstede's cultural dimensions theory is a good guide in pointing out the differences between cultures: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hofstede's ... ons_theory

Having learnt that in school I became acutely aware about how Confucian-based societies do things differently compared to other national/racial groups, even right down to greeting parents and having day-to-day conversations.

[Syeknom]

Inter-culture relationships always have this extra baggage which balances the early stages where you're turned on by each other's accents and have plenty to talk about. Even when your cultures aren't as dissimilar as american-chinese.

[smiles]

Hofstede's cultural dimensions theory is quite interesting, thanks rose. It's always a bit dangerous to apply those kinds of things to individuals though.

my girlfriend doesnt really have a chinese accent haha. It is weird that this whole thing was a non issue for the first 8 months or so. Maybe when more long term thinking began to creep in it started.

[charybdis]

Do people find Chinese accents attractive?

I dunno, I'm an ABC, so I've always noticed that while people generally might find European/African accents attractive (a friend of mine who's from Italy was once told "your only flaw is that you don't have an Italian accent") generally they don't like most asian accents. I dunno, I can't blame them though because I don't disagree.

[Rosenrot]

Yeah of course everything's not applicable to individuals. But there are a few differences that are pervasive. For example, Westerners can call almost anyone they're familiar with by their first names, like I can call my bf's parents, grandparents and older sibling by their first names. But my bf can't do that with the older members of my family/relatives, each of them has their own title such as Aunt, Uncle etc. This is a very distinct difference in terms of power distance, stemming from the Confucian belief that every individual has their own position in society, and respect has to be shown for elders at all times even to the point of being irrational (hence why they're always right even when wrong).

[smiles]

Humm, I guess some people might and it definitely stems from some form of exoticism. Depends on how strong I guess. It isn't really a 'thing' for me cause i'm surrounded by people who talk like that.

most attractive combination of accent and ethnic background for me is probably non-white people with some kind of British accent.

[bels]

chunking express such a great film.

I wonder how much of yr gf's trouble is to do with not being in China. Diasporas tend to cling to what they remember being the cultural norms of their home, even when those norms change, move on, weren't really there to begin with.

I wouldn't let it worry you too much. I mean you're not chinese right, what are you going to do? Pretending is gona be kind of pointless in my view. But I'm an apathetic fatalist so probably don't listen to me too hard.

Anyway have you ever considered hooking up with some non white people with english accents or anything sup sup.

[Stingray Sam]

Is this thread specific to romantic relationships only? My oldest and best friend has missed as much school as she has been to, the same thing happened to her last year and she failed some classes. I'm very worried that she is screwing up the rest of her life especially since she is in college now and she won't be able to remove academic blemishes from her transcript. I doubt that she will be able to transfer to the college of her choice and think that she might not even be able to get into a four year university. I don't know what to do, I want to help but at the same time I don't want to put pressure on her that might worsen some problems she has outside of school or our relationship :/

[freddy]

Is this thread specific to romantic relationships only? My oldest and best friend has missed as much school as she has been to, the same thing happened to her last year and she failed some classes. I'm very worried that she is screwing up the rest of her life especially since she is in college now and she won't be able to remove academic blemishes from her transcript. I doubt that she will be able to transfer to the college of her choice and think that she might not even be able to get into a four year university. I don't know what to do, I want to help but at the same time I don't want to put pressure on her that might worsen some problems she has outside of school or our relationship :/

As someone who got skipped a lot of school and got straight Fs except for computers a semester... i doubt the issue is with school itself. there must be something more underlying that is causing her to have poor attendance and academic performance. I think you're looking way ahead of her future (this could be kind of intimidation/provocative esp. if she has something more troubling going on in her life), it might be more fruitful to look to look together in depth of what's going on with her life presently and in the past that leads up to this. You both should find the xYz that is causing this.

[ohnodeadchickens]

Yeah Stingray, as someone who was in the same position as her a couple years ago, I think the best thing that you can do is be open with her about your concern, but understand that this is likely something she'll have to work through largely on her own and that you can only try to help and point her in the right direction. At least for me, the issues that caused me to do so poorly in school/life were multifaceted and fed into each other, so it wasn't like I could point at the one thing that was the problem. It took me dropping out of university and pretty much completely changing my lifestyle to get out of it, and hopefully it's not as bad for her, but if she's consistently failing classes, you should try to see if she can take some time off from school, at least until she's at the point where she can do well.

[Stingray Sam]

Thanks for the advice guys. I know what issues are causing her poor performance, but they'll take so long to resolve that I worry that not doing well academically would cause a lot more issues for her when she just needs to focus on solving the problems she already has and not creating any more. I suppose there's only so much one can do and doing too much will just defer the problem to later point.