Feelings

[CMYK]

feel like i have been focusing more on stupid, inane things recently

don't really leave the apartment that much after work or weekends, haven't made many friends or reached out to the few acquaintances I have made since recently moving to live by myself in a new city

spending too much time on the internet/social media

my job is nice though

This can be real tough. I'd suggest being REALLY proactive about going to 1/2 "events" (meetups, shows, group runs/rides, whatever interests you) a week. It can be really hard to go solo, but even after showing up a few times you'll recognize other people, and in my experience its much easier to do now while the weather is nice rather than in the winter when nobody wants to go outside. Also rolling solo to a new bar/coffeeshop and peoplewatching/chatting with the bartender/barista is a great low pressure way to get out of the house!

[WussWayne]

Im going to drop out of engineering. I'm just dumb as fuck and the further along I get into the semester, the worse my depression becomes. I've been skipping classes, drinking heavily and I have so much anxiety during the day. I dunno if there's any point in finishing my degree. My grades are absolute dogshit and I doubt I could even land an internship. I have so many units I've repeated including an entire semester failed that my academic transcript is just a fucking joke. I constantly read about how the FIFO lifestyle makes people kill themselves and I'm like why the fuck am I doing mining engineering if I have chronic depression. Honestly all I want to do is just stay in my room all day and veg out. I just feel kinda shit because I'm in 3rd year and my fees were expensive-ass international student fees. I keep telling myself that maybe I can go back to uni and study to become a mental health nurse but everything I read about nursing school says it's hard as fuck too. Deep down I know I'll never be able to get my shit together and I should just not bother with uni at all and save my parents the money.

[INNIT]

hey man,I failed out of engineering with a 1.7 gpa and multiple withdraws. i am now doing my MA and maintaining a 4.0, have a decent job, etc. it gets better. leave school, sort out your life and go back when you have a clearer idea of what you want to do/what your interests are. or don't go back at all if you can find something else that makes you happy. how you do in some shitty stem program does not define your intelligence/worth

[vice]

This can be real tough. I'd suggest being REALLY proactive about going to 1/2 "events" (meetups, shows, group runs/rides, whatever interests you) a week. It can be really hard to go solo, but even after showing up a few times you'll recognize other people, and in my experience its much easier to do now while the weather is nice rather than in the winter when nobody wants to go outside. Also rolling solo to a new bar/coffeeshop and peoplewatching/chatting with the bartender/barista is a great low pressure way to get out of the house!

Thanks for the advice, I've come to terms a little bit more with it. It seems like my kind of scene is a little bit underrepresented (I'm in a relatively small midwest city with a huge, suburban family population), but I'll keep searching.

[fun_yunchables]

.

[freddy]

I feel 10x+ happier in New York City than I am in BOS. I'm fucking tired af of this place. -_-

All the townies and New Englanders are predictable in BOS and a lot of transplants/transients are tied to academia/research.

I don't bother to go out coz the degree of separation is like 3 here and there are a lot of social circles I don't want to run into.

Degree of separation for ethnic Chinese (my Cantonese is good)/Chinese American social circles here is like -2.

I like to get lost as a nobody. I guess the internet will have to suffice for now.

I guess in reflection this is why I love the live casino environment as with fashion and interacting in cosmopolitan online communities. You get to be someone new everytime and anytime. You get to imagine yourself as being reincarnated into a new someone. The limitless self reincarnation of your imaginative desires.

[worknights]

girlfriend of almost 5 years broke up with me this morning, surprisingly not that sad as im going to take advantage of the situation to better myself and progress as a person. looking forward to moving to seattle in less than a month as well

[freddy]

When you trigger the overly logical people on the internet who argue and provoke you on the inanest shit beyond arguing/trolling then you confide wit h your friend about suspecting aspergy..he blows you off instantly, then you call him out for being invalidating and minimizing my feels and then he finally admits he’s uncomfortable talking about observations of aspergy people makes you wonder...

I told him I wanted to talk about it because I never grew up with austist or aspergy kids in the city. I dunno I’m quite the nerd and into logic and analytical thinking but grew up as a loner and am starting to meet more smart but difficult to socialize /inanely weird about shit ppl

I dunno, I had to cut an awkward overly logical friend from the MH world who my other friend suspected was on the spectrum. I also had a coworker confirm another coworker is on the spectrum and I found it odd and wearing I like to socialize and meet different ppl despite however much emotional they are but I’m kinda sad I’m reaching standstill with some as much as I like to nerd out. I thought I was the awkward weirdo nerd growing up in the city..

[xinijia]

I've been thinking about an old children's story.

A frog lives at the bottom of a well. Every day of his life, he stays at the bottom of the well, happily amused from hopping from brick to brick. On an unexpected occasion, a bird walks by the well and they begin discussing the sky.
"The sky has many clouds near the horizon, it looks like it may rain soon."
"The sky? But it looks to be a beautiful blue colour."
"Wait; how big do you think the sky is?"
"It's that blue circle at the top of the well, isn't it?"
"..."
Try as he might, the bird could not convince his new friend the vastness and endless nature of the sky.

And this was "坐井观天".

I've been really concerned about how boring life can become. I've been really concerned I might prefer living in my own well. In five years I will be 23, hopefully with an engineering degree, and thinking about what Cynthia five years ago would have wanted me to be. What would I choose to do?

I think the goal is a job that allows me to be completely remote. I'd travel the world and rotate through location to location, and my decision on "where do I want to go?" will be influenced by the seasons and coin tosses. If I miss a place, person, or thing, I can go back and see it. If I feel like seeing something new, why not?

I just want something that could make me feel intensely happy and peaceful. I want a subtle happiness that is simultaneously all-consuming. I want to go out and search for it, get to know my options by meeting different people and different moods and different atmospheres. I want to see it all.

[titkitten]

in 2014 i wrote down my new years resolutions:

1. wear lipstick more often
2. keep swimming once a week
3. pass my goddamn classes and maybe learn a thing or two things or maybe more than that
4. go for runs and take long stretch breaks
5. take interesting and exciting classes
6. take more photos and bake more desserts
7. remind myself how lucky i am, constantly
8. keep in contact with the people who matter

i stumbled across them a few months ago and i was struck by how poignant it all was. in the years since i wrote these, my mental health took a spectacular downturn and i lost a lot of the excitement and optimism about life i used to have back around that time. i had a low point about a year ago where i was borderline suicidal and feeling very very stuck and hopeless.

things have gotten better since then. it's hard to describe how i felt when i found these resolutions -- partially very sad, being reminded of the joy i lost, but also partially very uplifted because it helped me remember just that indescribable feeling of youthful hopefulness.

i think 7 and 8 are beautiful. how did i even write something so wise and piercing?? maybe i'm just flattering myself, but i thought seeing them might evoke some similar emotions in someone else (: if you're feeling down, it's ok. things will get better. you are strong and you will reclaim your love of life, if not in the same way you used to have it, then in some transformed way.

(love)

[Ques]

i started taking an iron and vitamin B supplement around a week ago and in addition to no longer hungering for the taste of blood i can report other changes to my life including wanting to get out of the bed in the morning, not hating absolutely everyone, improved memory, and wanting to read fiction again––highly recommend care taggers look into this if they are feeling extreme levels of lethargy, have symptoms associated with/bordering on depression, and/or also hunger for the taste of blood

[radicalbusiness]

So much stuff happening in my life right now. Going through some very tense, stressful, and emotionally painful stuff where I live (setting boundaries with a person who is seeing my good friend and roommate but is really hard to be around for reasons they both do and do not have control over), quitting social media, meeting amazing people, working through finals, getting ready to research abroad, and watching my family grow (brother's partner just had second kiddo!)

It's been a long time since my life has felt this intense. I'm realizing that I sort of... like it. I feel so alive. I'm really seeing the value in discomfort right now. But underneath this I worry about what will happen when external things slow down again and what I can do to keep pushing myself to stay here.

[archangel666]

i've just been recently diagnosed with primary mediastinal b-cell lymphoma stage 2. I never thought anything like this would happen to me, but I guess that's how life works. I am going to be okay after 8 rounds of chemo (I've already done 2). my hair has fallen out but I am quite liking the shaved head look tbh. Im so thankful for patrick and my family. I've ever felt so loved before but also I wish to just go back to how things were before. I feel like a normal person but I can't go out to shows anymore and can't go back to my classes (I am finishing up this semester though and will do online classes the next). please go to the doctor to get regular check ups and listen/take care of your body. I feel like I was so stressed and hated my body and over all didnt care about myself, but now I am focusing on healing and listening to my thoughts more clearly. if anyone has any tips on healing and mediation or any good skin products, let me know.

[fun_yunchables]

i'm caught in a really weird relationship situation now and i'm not exactly sure what i know as an actor in this metaphorical drama other than the few lines of the script that i've received. and it has me thinking racing thoughts and feeling intense emotions that i don't know how to express or otherwise process in a healthy manner (what is even art right).

anyway, i guess it isn't in my or anyone's best interest to extrapolate what exactly is "truth" and what are the "lies" in this scenario because my anxiety will just end up killing me. i'm sure the other people involved are just as confused and in the dark, and really, only the one central, main actress really knows.

i wish things were just easy
but nothing of worth is ever just ~that~ easy

maybe slightly related -- more on the self-discovery part
over these years i've discovered that i'm far more an emotional person than i originally thought i was (maybe my personality changed, maybe it's always been there). i used to take pride in being rational but after standing back and observing, i think i'm possibly the most irrational person i know.

i also have huge problems opening up or relying on people. definitely need to fix that

[fun_yunchables]

update:

she's a narcissistic sociopath (80% sure after talking with everyone involved)
deadass too
she called her daughter her "half-sister" and her husband her "cousin"
she's apparently stuffed tissues in her daughter's mouth to stop her from crying (holy shit wtf)
amongst other certified crazy ass shit i never knew

moral of my story
don't trust ig/tumblr models even if they seem like the nicest people

[INNIT]

has anyone ever lived in a "conservative" place before? the province i live in is becoming increasingly more toxic. i can insulate myself within the university/my small nice university neighborhood, but i'm finding it increasingly difficult to talk to people outside of this space. i feel bad for my partner who is a social worker and has to interact with bigots all day. last night i went to buy wine and some guy behind me berated me for buying BC wine. it's not a big deal but it felt super shitty. i was walking home from my friend's house with my partner and some weird truck bros were whistling at her and yelling shit at us. idk, i feel like people have really been ramping up their dickish tendencies and i'm no longer interested in engaging them in dialogue. probably gonna look to relocate to van/fake canada for my phd, but in the meantime this is really bumming me out. i really like the school im at too... mb i'm just getting older

[CheerUpBrokeBoy]

i wanna date someone again, caught myself getting some feelings for the first time since freshman year and it felt really nice even though the anxiety and disappointment are the inevitable other side to that coin. fucking around is such a hollow and unrewarding experience

where'd rams go? he was always good to talk to about this shit. hml, g

[duane]

the university i attend has a co-op program where students take on a full time job for 6 months in lieu of classes for a semester, so i will be working full time from july-december. it'll be my first co-op and real job ever and i'm frustrated with the process right now -- i've applied to over 20 jobs and only heard back from 2 of them. i did get an offer from LEK Consulting (!) and i'm happy about it, and i'm waiting to hear back from grantham mayo van otterloo in a few days, but i just wish i had more options especially with the firms i was really hoping to hear back from. co-op is being a fake adult and even fake adulting is hard and i don't like it.

*edit: i accepted the LEK offer in new york : ) now i'm stressed to the bone about finding a sublease (:

Spoiler:

also, feeling lonely in a city like boston really really sucks (fuck ldrs and fake friends)

[brlmski]

i'm in the worst mental headspace ive been in the last few years and idk why =/

[JewTurk]

Dealing with cognitive dissonance in a relationship?

Part of me holds this strong belief that I shouldn't ever justify feeling shitty when my partner spends time with certain people, but another part of me feels like garbage whenever they spend time with certain people.

Advice?

I feel like most of my relationship anxiety comes from my own unjustified concerns but I feel like I have little to no control over those anxieties.

[costanza]

I have lived by the principle of not dating classmates/colleagues for somthing like eleven years. In retrospect it seems stupid to hold something experienced as a 14 y/o as a principle for so long. I have been working with this amazing girl for seven months now, and I finally asked her out to a date. She's a bit vague, and I think that is because she dated someone else at work and it didn't work out. Anyway, let's see what happens on thursday. We're going to visit a church together.

[duane]

feeling really alone in such a nice city like Boston stinks, especially when surrounded by friends who aren't really your friends

[brlmski]

just got laid off because the company was trying to extend it's runway from 6 months to a year. surprisingly emotional at the end of a job i've been looking to get out of for a few months now.

[bels]

Feel like we should make a rule where you have to attempt to empathize with the feelings poster above you before you post your own feelings

Edit: you just have to do it in your mind you don't have to post about it

[bels]

Cameron did you try and empathise with me before you negged me you jerk

[ptozzi]

just got laid off because the company was trying to extend it's runway from 6 months to a year. surprisingly emotional at the end of a job i've been looking to get out of for a few months now.

Feel you on that as a temp employee. It's inevitable they're gonna tell me they don't need me anymore and I'm trying to leave on my own terms but applying to jobs is a job in itself.

[brlmski]

sometimes its hard to believe in myself. the more i prepare, the more behind i feel. just need to get out of my own head but feel like i cant afford the time to

[CheerUpBrokeBoy]

nyc people hit me up! been getting this "lonely in a big city" feeling because all my school-year friends are out of town for the summer and i'd love to kick it with any of you guys

[brlmski]

i miss the highs and lows of competition and the camaraderie of teamwork

[zevolution]

This thread lead me to believe that doing a long-distance relationship would be the end of me, and this is not the case so far